Dear Men,
No twin vlog for this post.
I asked myself again and again whether I should write on this subject, since I never planed to take up such a serious subject in this blog. But I couldn't stop after learning that:
"How are you qualified to discuss it?", one may ask. I'm certainly not a professional psychologist of any kind, nor living with a partner to be exposed to the possibility of committing DV. So why am I talking about it? Well, that's because I grew up in a disfunctional family where DV was no rarer than earthquakes felt in Japan. Luckily, that ended when I turned 11 years old as my parents divorced (I later learned that my father had an indescribably treacherous childhood and youth, and that's why I hold absolutely no grudge; he has been a good father in his new family). Enough about myself.
I haven't done any academic research on the psychology of DV, and I have no idea how my opinion would relate to the conventional wisdom. Maybe it's just a reinvention of the wheel, or even a bovine manure in the professional eye. But I'm sharing it below anyway, hoping that it may reduce the occurrence of the utmost grievance on the planet.
The message I want to deliver, in a nutshell, is that I have observed, from my father's and other cases, that perfectionism is a big trigger of DV. Let me explain.
When a perfectionist perceives his own "imperfection" - "humanly perfect" is still "imperfect" and therefore there is nothing imperfect in being "imperfect" in my opinion - he will try to deny the reality which caricatures him as a failure. The reason for being such perfectionist depends on the person. Maybe, his parent(s) was too strict so that he always had to get a straight A; he could have grown up in a very competitive environment; or, his ex-girlfriend left him for a "perfect man". Basically, he is insecure. Anyway, he doesn't want to face the reality because it would remind him of the terrible feeling he felt when he saw the angry face of his mom and/or dad at his test score; warmed the bench when his friends beat the opponent; or heard her "I'm sorry". If he is losing on a chess match, he may sway his arm and blow all the pieces away, leaving a clean table as if that game didn't exist. If he is going to be late to his duty, it's better never than late. Now, what if he is failing to please his partner?
I think DV comes in there. As I mentioned above, I'm no specialist on the subject and psychiatrists may shake their heads. But I believe, for sure, that the deepest thread of the roots of DV will be found in his own self, not in his relationship with his partner. Sure, if the guy was not perfectionist at all in anyway and yet commits DV, that would be another story. But if he finds himself urged to screw it whenever his halo disappears, that's surely a sign that his commitment to DV is a symptom of a more fundamental, chronic issue. If that sounds like you, focus on yourself - yes, just toughen up since there is no cheat code for it - instead of on your relationships: lay out a flat firm floor first, bother erecting walls straight only after that.
Guys, we are all stressed out because of the current pandemic where many of us are forced to stay home. Some of us even have no income, and if you live with your partner (and kids) dependent on your wallet, you may feel that you are failing them. But don't forget that it's not our fault. And let's stay practical and do what we can do. If you feel that you need a role model, watch this movie:
The protagonist failing to provide for his family is an imperfect being. And he is a perfect man.
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